Thursday, February 11, 2010

Past the 5 week point and going crazy

I am going crazy not telling anyone. I am going crazy mostly because I am nervous as hell and just want to talk about it. I have gone back and forth about whether I wanted to address in this blog the fact that I miscarried twice in 2009. I suppose that is my answer. As excited as I am about this pregnancy, I am nervous and freaking out and if I'm not thinking about the task at hand (work, cooking, whatever), I'm scared. It is the overwhelming, all consuming thought in my head. With the last two pregnancies, I told everyone right away, and then had to retract and untell. It was really difficult that I was going through something awful and I had to talk about it, repeatedly. Now I'm going through fear and anxiety and I'm trapped in my own, self inflicted bubble.

I had a friend confide in me this morning. Her life has some really awful circumstances right now and some very hard decisions need to be made. I feel so bad for her, and I wanted so desperately to tell her that I'm freaking out too. I imagine that the result of both our circumstances will be positive, but right now it kinda sucks.

I'm so nervous it's ridiculous.

Days Pregnant: 36
Days to go: 244

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