Sometimes parenting is hard not because of the actual job of parenting, but because of what you give up to do it. I am in one of those places currently. My major source of social life is a group of great friends who don't have kids (yet?). They all do amazing things together and it's SO VERY HARD to be left out. It's not that I'm not invited, but I end up being necessarily left out as I choose to parent instead of going out day after day, weekend after weekend. They are currently in the middle of comic con and while I ditched my family for an entire 27 hours to go attend one day of the convention, that's all I get to do and I'm heart sick with all the fun they're having without me. Small children are a joy and super cute and are funny, but they aren't exactly the most thrilling thing. I am struggling right now because I chose to have kids at a relatively young (in modern days among educated people) age. They called me tonight to see if I could try and get them tickets for something that just got announced for tomorrow because I AM THE ONLY ONE THEY KNOW THAT'S HOME tonight. Will I try? Of course, but seriously, F That. I don't want to be the only one home. I don't want to parent tonight. I don't want to parent this summer, year, maybe ever.
And when I do leave, when I do schedule things, I feel guilty the whole time I'm gone. I want so badly to be a great, involved, patient and happy mom, but I want to have a life too. I don't want to give up half my 20's to them. But I don't want to miss their childhoods either. I want to be there for all their firsts and all their joy and all their laughter. Scott danced around tonight singing two songs with his little toy guitar tonight and it was SO GREAT! I got them on video and everything. It was a great moment that I loved watching and am super glad I was home for.
I want it all.
That's not possible.
And I am rarely happy with my decisions anymore because I want it all but can't have it. I don't want to miss out on anything. I need to be able to be in two places at once. And maybe a 3rd so I could actually attempt to have a clean house. And maybe a 4th so I could get some sleep.