This post is totally unrelated to my family, and tangentially related to motherhood. It's more a post about perspective. It's a little disturbing, you may not want to read this one.
Ever since I was a little kid I've been fascinated with the various outbreaks of the Bubonic Plague. I've almost thought that the whole thing was "cool"... as much as one can about something so grizzly. I've done various presentations on it over the years and I have a fairly good understanding of how the plague was transmitted and what they did about it.
At least, I thought I did. In October 2011, I got to go to Scotland for a week when Scott was 1 year old. I was pregnant at the time. During this trip, we went on a walking tour that lead underneath the city of Edinburgh. The tour was called "The Real Mary King's Close". The tour was full of interesting things, but it was also full of absolutely terrifying things. The way Edinburgh grew, people ended up living underground, or at the bottom of very tall and narrow passages. I'm slightly claustrophobic as it is, so this was a little stomach churning to begin with. But the thing that's still haunting me 8 months later was a small offshoot about the bubonic plague. We were exploring a section under the streets of Edinburgh, where people really lived, in real old homes and passages, and they had various mannequins set-up in different scenarios showing how life was then. Murders, daily work, and one section on the plague. There was a mother trying to care for her two children who had come down with the plague. They were huddled on a bed of straw, wasting away. There was a man, a doctor of sorts, coming by to collect the dead in a full leather coat and mask. Viewing the scene from the eyes of a mother who has had to care for her child with just a cold, I was seriously shaken. There are things about history that seem interesting until you are confronted with them in a new way. For me, in this case, it was being a parent myself, facing a life sized representation of one of my worst fears. Motherhood creates fierce and strong emotions. This one, the protective instinct, is new and powerful. I'm so heartbroken over all of the mothers who had to watch their children die (and then probably die themselves from catching it themselves).
I just wanted to write about it because it's stuck in my head and my heart today (no idea why), and I wanted to try and get it out, have the chance to process my thoughts on the topic. And to express my great grattitude and joy that we know what caused the plague and aren't currently living in a time or area with any great medical epidemics.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Joining things
The hardest thing about working out is starting. Before last year, I've never really enjoyed working out. Sure, I've had dance classes I loved, and I've done weight lifting physical education in school that was fun, and I even had one semester in college that I was REALLY dilligant about wroking out, but I never really liked working out for working outs sake. What happened? Why do I now really enjoy it?
I think it part of it comes down to it being time for me, only about me, that's actually productive. Time spent with kids is so focused on their needs, their desires, and it's so hard to get any ME time. Sometiems I need to veg (yesterday, for example, when I FINALLY got both kids asleep for ~30 minutes, I spent the first 20 doing some paperwork stuff that needed doing, so I spent the last 10 minutes eating ice cream). But being able to steal time to improve my self esteem (because that's what working out does, it improves my body, thus improving my self esteem) is rad.
But I remember the first time I went to work out in a group class last summer. I was so nervous. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up. It was a class where you use dumbells and I brought along 2lb weights because I was scared. The instructor laughed at me, gave me 5 lb weights and I've never looked back. When you're in a group dynamic, it seems like you need to keep up, be the one that isn't dragging everyone back. But that's not how it really is. You need to work on you, and let everyone else work on themselves. That first day in that class, no one else was slowed down by my presence.
It's funny to think that about 5 years ago I was debating joining weight watchers, but I didn't want to join and be "too skinny" and have everyone else feel bad about the skinny girl joining their group. I now know that anyone else in my group wouldn't have viewed me as "too thin" to be in it, they would have been happy if I was just an active memeber. That's what it's all about, attitude. If you are excited and ready to be a part of whatever it is that you are joining, everyone else will be excited for you to be there too.
I now workout with the people from that first workout class last year 2-3 times a week. They're all excited to have me there, even if I'm the weakest link. I go, I work my butt off, and I get better. They help me do it! I keep them motivated by improving week to week and they keep me motivated because they're doing it right along with me!
Moral of the story... do you have something you're contemplating joining that you're kind of unsure about? Join it! Be it a nutrition group, a workout group, a walking group, a book club... whatever it is, if you go into it excited to be a part, everyone will be happy you joined!
I think it part of it comes down to it being time for me, only about me, that's actually productive. Time spent with kids is so focused on their needs, their desires, and it's so hard to get any ME time. Sometiems I need to veg (yesterday, for example, when I FINALLY got both kids asleep for ~30 minutes, I spent the first 20 doing some paperwork stuff that needed doing, so I spent the last 10 minutes eating ice cream). But being able to steal time to improve my self esteem (because that's what working out does, it improves my body, thus improving my self esteem) is rad.
But I remember the first time I went to work out in a group class last summer. I was so nervous. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up. It was a class where you use dumbells and I brought along 2lb weights because I was scared. The instructor laughed at me, gave me 5 lb weights and I've never looked back. When you're in a group dynamic, it seems like you need to keep up, be the one that isn't dragging everyone back. But that's not how it really is. You need to work on you, and let everyone else work on themselves. That first day in that class, no one else was slowed down by my presence.
It's funny to think that about 5 years ago I was debating joining weight watchers, but I didn't want to join and be "too skinny" and have everyone else feel bad about the skinny girl joining their group. I now know that anyone else in my group wouldn't have viewed me as "too thin" to be in it, they would have been happy if I was just an active memeber. That's what it's all about, attitude. If you are excited and ready to be a part of whatever it is that you are joining, everyone else will be excited for you to be there too.
I now workout with the people from that first workout class last year 2-3 times a week. They're all excited to have me there, even if I'm the weakest link. I go, I work my butt off, and I get better. They help me do it! I keep them motivated by improving week to week and they keep me motivated because they're doing it right along with me!
Moral of the story... do you have something you're contemplating joining that you're kind of unsure about? Join it! Be it a nutrition group, a workout group, a walking group, a book club... whatever it is, if you go into it excited to be a part, everyone will be happy you joined!
Monday, June 11, 2012
This and that
I have it really easy these days. Ok, that's a lie, no parent with two little kids has it "easy"... but on the scale of 'yes, I have 2 kids under 2', I have it easy.
Jeremy sleeps through the night, sleeps in his crib!, LOVES me, smiles, occasionally laughs (he makes me work for it, so when he does laugh it's super rewarding), has no eating issues, rarely poops, is good at daycare and makes fabulous faces. Scott is learning to eat his vegetables, loves to play, is pretty good at quiet time, smiles and laughs like a madman, is good at daycare, is good at letting us brush his teeth... basically, my kids are both in nice stages right now.
That's not to say I'm not exhausted, wouldn't like a several day break from parenting, and don't need someone to manage the rest of my life (cleaning, food, shopping, etc).
Anyway, this post was suppose to be about pumping. Twice a day while I'm at work, I close and lock my door, get out my electric pump and settle down at my desk to read or write (documents for work mostly), and strap stuff to me to get milk out. It is an awkward thing. Undressing at work, hiding in my office, getting bottles of HUMAN milk to put in my fridge (at least I have my own!!). I make lots of milk and when I produce like 15 oz in an 8 hour perid at work it's neat! But it's still strange. I really appreciate being able to get away from parenting 24/7 by coming to work, and I know that breast is best, but it's still awkward.
I am also extremely awkward about talking about breast feeding and pumping. I know it's natural. I know it's a good thing. I'm not even embarassed to actually breast feed in public anymore, but even writing out the word "breast" just feels strange to me. It's like unwanted attention. I personally have never looked at anyone else breast feeding and had any thoughts beyond admiration (to a point, when the kid can ask to nurse, I do find it a little weird), but I still feel awkward about it.
Ugh, sleep deprived. Things sound much better in my head then they do when I get them out onto the screen.
In other news, my kids are now 3 months old and 20 months old. Only about 2 more years of diapers! Wait, really? I'm not even half way through the diaper years... crud.
Jeremy sleeps through the night, sleeps in his crib!, LOVES me, smiles, occasionally laughs (he makes me work for it, so when he does laugh it's super rewarding), has no eating issues, rarely poops, is good at daycare and makes fabulous faces. Scott is learning to eat his vegetables, loves to play, is pretty good at quiet time, smiles and laughs like a madman, is good at daycare, is good at letting us brush his teeth... basically, my kids are both in nice stages right now.
That's not to say I'm not exhausted, wouldn't like a several day break from parenting, and don't need someone to manage the rest of my life (cleaning, food, shopping, etc).
Anyway, this post was suppose to be about pumping. Twice a day while I'm at work, I close and lock my door, get out my electric pump and settle down at my desk to read or write (documents for work mostly), and strap stuff to me to get milk out. It is an awkward thing. Undressing at work, hiding in my office, getting bottles of HUMAN milk to put in my fridge (at least I have my own!!). I make lots of milk and when I produce like 15 oz in an 8 hour perid at work it's neat! But it's still strange. I really appreciate being able to get away from parenting 24/7 by coming to work, and I know that breast is best, but it's still awkward.
I am also extremely awkward about talking about breast feeding and pumping. I know it's natural. I know it's a good thing. I'm not even embarassed to actually breast feed in public anymore, but even writing out the word "breast" just feels strange to me. It's like unwanted attention. I personally have never looked at anyone else breast feeding and had any thoughts beyond admiration (to a point, when the kid can ask to nurse, I do find it a little weird), but I still feel awkward about it.
Ugh, sleep deprived. Things sound much better in my head then they do when I get them out onto the screen.
In other news, my kids are now 3 months old and 20 months old. Only about 2 more years of diapers! Wait, really? I'm not even half way through the diaper years... crud.
Monday, May 21, 2012
First day back at work and Mother's day
Today was the end of my time home with the boys. I went back to work! And both boys went to daycare.
So that meant that both Eric and I got up at 6:30am so that he could shower while I got ready and then got Scott up, Eric took over and then I got Jeremy up. It was the first day back, so we were rusty and slow and it took us a while. But we all managed to get out the door at 7:15am, which overall isn't too bad. I am a little tired now, but getting back to work was good.
I love my kids, but I want them to be a big part of my life, not my whole life. For 2.5 months having them be my whole life was too much.
I haven't written about my 2nd mother's day yet. It went well. I asked Eric for a night out without the kids (and him, since someone had to watch them). I found a couple of girl friends to go to a movie with me on Saturday night and it was my first break from the kids since Jeremy's birth. Two thumbs up. We had a nice brunch and mostly took it easy on Sunday. On Monday we took Jeremy on his trip to Disneyland! It went really well and he was a champ! Scott liked going back as well. This was probably our last trip until the fall... sad!
And that's the "I'm back at work" update (shhh, nevermind that I got distracted and didn't post this for almost a month of being back!).
So that meant that both Eric and I got up at 6:30am so that he could shower while I got ready and then got Scott up, Eric took over and then I got Jeremy up. It was the first day back, so we were rusty and slow and it took us a while. But we all managed to get out the door at 7:15am, which overall isn't too bad. I am a little tired now, but getting back to work was good.
I love my kids, but I want them to be a big part of my life, not my whole life. For 2.5 months having them be my whole life was too much.
I haven't written about my 2nd mother's day yet. It went well. I asked Eric for a night out without the kids (and him, since someone had to watch them). I found a couple of girl friends to go to a movie with me on Saturday night and it was my first break from the kids since Jeremy's birth. Two thumbs up. We had a nice brunch and mostly took it easy on Sunday. On Monday we took Jeremy on his trip to Disneyland! It went really well and he was a champ! Scott liked going back as well. This was probably our last trip until the fall... sad!
And that's the "I'm back at work" update (shhh, nevermind that I got distracted and didn't post this for almost a month of being back!).
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Period started at 7 weeks
Being pregnant is no walk in the park. Sure, it's fun to feel your new little family member rolling around inside of you, and some people will give you special treatment (not my husband for the most part), but really, pregnancy is difficult. Morning sickness, heartburn, clothing not fitting, ever shifting center of gravity, needing to pee all the time, stretch marks... the list goes on.
But one perk women typically get is that they don't have their period for months after! At least, not when they are breastfeeding on demand. But not me, I don't get that perk.
Last time I had some stuck placenta, so I bled for 6 weeks, had a check-up, got diagnosed, and had a D&C at 7 or 8 weeks (was still bleeding), then bled for another 2 weeks... so I got 10 weeks straight of bleeding after having my oldest. Then I went back to work at 11 weeks and had a period about a month later, I thought because I had started to pump. This time the bleeding had basically stopped at 5 weeks! So today, at just after 7 weeks post delivery, my period started again. I am exclusively breastfeeding on demand. NOT OK. I got about 2 weeks off from bleeding. That's absurd. And not fair.
Stupid body. I'm not ready for a new baby (or to start trying to have one anyway), you are confused.
But one perk women typically get is that they don't have their period for months after! At least, not when they are breastfeeding on demand. But not me, I don't get that perk.
Last time I had some stuck placenta, so I bled for 6 weeks, had a check-up, got diagnosed, and had a D&C at 7 or 8 weeks (was still bleeding), then bled for another 2 weeks... so I got 10 weeks straight of bleeding after having my oldest. Then I went back to work at 11 weeks and had a period about a month later, I thought because I had started to pump. This time the bleeding had basically stopped at 5 weeks! So today, at just after 7 weeks post delivery, my period started again. I am exclusively breastfeeding on demand. NOT OK. I got about 2 weeks off from bleeding. That's absurd. And not fair.
Stupid body. I'm not ready for a new baby (or to start trying to have one anyway), you are confused.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Parenthood is gross
There are certain gross things that I understood about parenthood. I'd be changing diapers, lots of them, many containing poop, for years. I'd get peed on occasionally. I'd get barfed on occasionally.
Things I didn't expect would be voluntarily catching vomit in my hands because it's easier than cleaning it up off anything else. I also didn't expect that my breasts would leak like they do. I sometimes wake up having soaked a big puddle on the bed. Sure, there are breast pads that will soak up leaked milk, but in the middle of the night, they may get out of place and not be noticed. And guess what, breast milk is just like cows milk, it stinks when it spoils, and in fabric it spoils.
I probably even wrote about this with my first kid, but it's still gross and still unexpected, and I don't feel like I ever get to talk about it out loud.
Things I didn't expect would be voluntarily catching vomit in my hands because it's easier than cleaning it up off anything else. I also didn't expect that my breasts would leak like they do. I sometimes wake up having soaked a big puddle on the bed. Sure, there are breast pads that will soak up leaked milk, but in the middle of the night, they may get out of place and not be noticed. And guess what, breast milk is just like cows milk, it stinks when it spoils, and in fabric it spoils.
I probably even wrote about this with my first kid, but it's still gross and still unexpected, and I don't feel like I ever get to talk about it out loud.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
A post-partum update
All my posts lately have been kid updates. It's time for a mama update.
I am now living with the reality of a body that has undergone two natural (as in, out my vagina, not drug free) childbirths. That takes a number on someone. I spent the first month after kidlet number 2 was born with a prolapsed bladder, needing to lean way forward to pee, and constantly feeling like I had a bladder infection coming on. Kegal exercises have improved that. I also had pain from the 2nd degree tear I got this time that only really let up at all yesterday.
They say to take it easy and not really exercise for 6 weeks after childbirth. That's so that the uterus can shrink back to normal size and the abs can get back into position. So I'm at 6 weeks and can now wrangle both of my children with ease. Scott no longer feels like he weighs a million pounds and when he's all squirmy I can still carry him without issue. But I'm still fat. Ok, not fat, just big bellied. Well, big assed too. I'm still smaller than I was after Scott's birth, basically everywhere. But my big fat girl pants that I wore when I returned to work after Scott are tight in the belly.
I'd like to say that I have the discipline to clean up my diet, give up alcohol mostly and start losing the weight, but I don't. I watch 2 kids all day and finding fast, easy, healthy snacks has never been my strong suite. And although I can't drink much (not really more than a drink in a night), after abstaining for 18 out of the last 28 months, I like the freedom of being able to have a glass of wine all the time. I know if I'd just give up sugar and alcohol I'd be able to lose the 12 lbs I am up since I got pregnant this time fairly easily, but it's hard. On the other hand, I've spent about 24 of the last 28 months in some state of large belly, so I'd also like the freedom to wear most of my pre-any pregnancy clothing again. It's a toss up which I'd rather have, wine or a smaller waist.
My hair hasn't started to fall out, I should have another month or two before that happens (because it stops falling out while pregnant, it has to fall out eventually, it kinda happens all at once 3-6 months after giving birth). I have noticed that I have a LOT more gray hair now.
And my belly is super covered in stretch marks. Not the worst example I've seen, and I'm curious to see what they look like when I do eventually lose the 10 or so inches I need to lose in the waist, but they're not my favorite souvenir of motherhood.
My boobs are, predictably, very saggy, but I think they regained some of their former height when I stopped nursing Scott and went back to supportive bras, so I'm just giving up on thinking about that for the next yearish.
I'm not trying to scare anyone off, just recording my current state of frustration with my post-pregnancy issues.
I am now living with the reality of a body that has undergone two natural (as in, out my vagina, not drug free) childbirths. That takes a number on someone. I spent the first month after kidlet number 2 was born with a prolapsed bladder, needing to lean way forward to pee, and constantly feeling like I had a bladder infection coming on. Kegal exercises have improved that. I also had pain from the 2nd degree tear I got this time that only really let up at all yesterday.
They say to take it easy and not really exercise for 6 weeks after childbirth. That's so that the uterus can shrink back to normal size and the abs can get back into position. So I'm at 6 weeks and can now wrangle both of my children with ease. Scott no longer feels like he weighs a million pounds and when he's all squirmy I can still carry him without issue. But I'm still fat. Ok, not fat, just big bellied. Well, big assed too. I'm still smaller than I was after Scott's birth, basically everywhere. But my big fat girl pants that I wore when I returned to work after Scott are tight in the belly.
I'd like to say that I have the discipline to clean up my diet, give up alcohol mostly and start losing the weight, but I don't. I watch 2 kids all day and finding fast, easy, healthy snacks has never been my strong suite. And although I can't drink much (not really more than a drink in a night), after abstaining for 18 out of the last 28 months, I like the freedom of being able to have a glass of wine all the time. I know if I'd just give up sugar and alcohol I'd be able to lose the 12 lbs I am up since I got pregnant this time fairly easily, but it's hard. On the other hand, I've spent about 24 of the last 28 months in some state of large belly, so I'd also like the freedom to wear most of my pre-any pregnancy clothing again. It's a toss up which I'd rather have, wine or a smaller waist.
My hair hasn't started to fall out, I should have another month or two before that happens (because it stops falling out while pregnant, it has to fall out eventually, it kinda happens all at once 3-6 months after giving birth). I have noticed that I have a LOT more gray hair now.
And my belly is super covered in stretch marks. Not the worst example I've seen, and I'm curious to see what they look like when I do eventually lose the 10 or so inches I need to lose in the waist, but they're not my favorite souvenir of motherhood.
My boobs are, predictably, very saggy, but I think they regained some of their former height when I stopped nursing Scott and went back to supportive bras, so I'm just giving up on thinking about that for the next yearish.
I'm not trying to scare anyone off, just recording my current state of frustration with my post-pregnancy issues.
6 weeks and 18 months
Oh my gosh, I am so tired today. Jeremy had a wakeful night (not crying, just awake), Scott cried like 3 times and Eric snored. I've had 2 whole cups of coffee so far today (I'm trying to stay low on caffeine)!
Aside from the brief update about the cute park encounter yesterday, I haven't blogged in a while. Having 2 kids is predictably busy. It isn't exactly hard, but it's busy.
We have another kid! Jeremy :) He makes Scott look like a handful as a baby. Jeremy is really relaxed, has a very sweet temperament, sleeps well in his crib, nurses with ease and is just all around a pleasure. Scott mostly ignores his brother, but he has at least a couple minutes of interest a day and likes pointing at his various facial features and naming them.
Let's see, Jeremy is 6 weeks old now, Scott is 18 months. In the last 3 weeks we've had 2 bouts of pink eye (boo!), but we're almost done treating round 2 and we're very hopeful it stays away this time. I do not enjoy putting the eye drops in both kid eyes 3 times a day.
For a status update, Jeremy is in size 1 diapers, size 3 month clothes (some of which he's already outgrowing) and has about 2 inches of dark brown hair. Scott is in 2T shirts, 18 month pants (as of my declaration today) and size 4 diapers. He's also size 8 shoe. That's more for my own knowledge than because you care.
Scott is very vocal these days. He's learning new words almost daily. My favorite new word is elbow, and he's been clever enough to also call my knee an elbow. We watch a fair bit of TV, mostly pixar movies. Favorites are Cars (1&2), Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) and Finding Nemo. He also loves the 2011 Winnie the Pooh movie, which I like too.
I'll try and post more later, but here is a picture of Jeremy in a hat my friend Christy got at her baby shower.
Aside from the brief update about the cute park encounter yesterday, I haven't blogged in a while. Having 2 kids is predictably busy. It isn't exactly hard, but it's busy.
We have another kid! Jeremy :) He makes Scott look like a handful as a baby. Jeremy is really relaxed, has a very sweet temperament, sleeps well in his crib, nurses with ease and is just all around a pleasure. Scott mostly ignores his brother, but he has at least a couple minutes of interest a day and likes pointing at his various facial features and naming them.
Let's see, Jeremy is 6 weeks old now, Scott is 18 months. In the last 3 weeks we've had 2 bouts of pink eye (boo!), but we're almost done treating round 2 and we're very hopeful it stays away this time. I do not enjoy putting the eye drops in both kid eyes 3 times a day.
For a status update, Jeremy is in size 1 diapers, size 3 month clothes (some of which he's already outgrowing) and has about 2 inches of dark brown hair. Scott is in 2T shirts, 18 month pants (as of my declaration today) and size 4 diapers. He's also size 8 shoe. That's more for my own knowledge than because you care.
Scott is very vocal these days. He's learning new words almost daily. My favorite new word is elbow, and he's been clever enough to also call my knee an elbow. We watch a fair bit of TV, mostly pixar movies. Favorites are Cars (1&2), Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) and Finding Nemo. He also loves the 2011 Winnie the Pooh movie, which I like too.
I'll try and post more later, but here is a picture of Jeremy in a hat my friend Christy got at her baby shower.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
park
We came to the park this morning as a family before a costco trip. I just watched a 7ish year old boy play with Scott on the playground equipment a d show him how to go down a new slide. I'm so excited to get to watch my kids play together in a couple years!
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