Why I need a Time Turner

Sometimes parenting is hard not because of the actual job of parenting, but because of what you give up to do it. I am in one of those places currently. My major source of social life is a group of great friends who don't have kids (yet?). They all do amazing things together and it's SO VERY HARD to be left out. It's not that I'm not invited, but I end up being necessarily left out as I choose to parent instead of going out day after day, weekend after weekend. They are currently in the middle of comic con and while I ditched my family for an entire 27 hours to go attend one day of the convention, that's all I get to do and I'm heart sick with all the fun they're having without me. Small children are a joy and super cute and are funny, but they aren't exactly the most thrilling thing. I am struggling right now because I chose to have kids at a relatively young (in modern days among educated people) age. They called me tonight to see if I could try and get them tickets for something that just got announced for tomorrow because I AM THE ONLY ONE THEY KNOW THAT'S HOME tonight. Will I try? Of course, but seriously, F That. I don't want to be the only one home. I don't want to parent tonight. I don't want to parent this summer, year, maybe ever.

And when I do leave, when I do schedule things, I feel guilty the whole time I'm gone. I want so badly to be a great, involved, patient and happy mom, but I want to have a life too. I don't want to give up half my 20's to them. But I don't want to miss their childhoods either. I want to be there for all their firsts and all their joy and all their laughter. Scott danced around tonight singing two songs with his little toy guitar tonight and it was SO GREAT! I got them on video and everything. It was a great moment that I loved watching and am super glad I was home for.

I want it all.

That's not possible.

And I am rarely happy with my decisions anymore because I want it all but can't have it. I don't want to miss out on anything. I need to be able to be in two places at once. And maybe a 3rd so I could actually attempt to have a clean house. And maybe a 4th so I could get some sleep.

F.

An open letter to my boys

A letter to my boys:

Hello boys. I am writing to you from age 29.5. Since we are in the twilight months of either of your parents being in their 20's, I thought it an appropriate time to put some of my current insights into life down on paper (ok, I'm writing this on a blog, one that I started about pregnancy). By the time you are in your 20's, your dad and I will be in our mid-40's and we'll be useless as far as you are concerned. At least, that's often the way it works.

Here are the important things I want you to think about in your teen years and into your 20's (I say from the far side of those decades).

• Have a physical hobby. Play a sport, be into ultimate Frisbee, just lift weights... whatever. Endorphins are really worthwhile. 
• Do something with music. Play it, dance to it, just listen to a lot of it. Music is really great for creativity and emotional expression.
• Try and read something every day. Read a comic book, read a news article, read part of a book. Just make reading a habit. Start this as young as possible and never stop. 
• Take girls (or boys) on dates to do interesting things. You don't necessarily have to pay for it, but do be the one to suggest it.
• Don't let any one aspect of yourself define your self worth. You are more than your intelligence, your appearance, your athletic or musical ability... there is a whole lot to who you are.
• When you are trying to decide what to do in college, try and figure out what you would do with that when you graduate. Do pick a major that will allow you to life the kind of lifestyle you want to have in the future. 
• Be good to each other and other family. As my mom told me "Be nice to your brother, someday he will be the only person who you can talk to about how weird your parents were."
• When you are talking to someone, make eye contact. Keep your phone (or other electronic device) out of the conversation. It's probably old-school, but this is a life skill that you need to have. 
• Never insult anyone's mother, either to her face or behind her back. Being a mother is incredibly demanding and sometimes makes us act in ways that are hard to explain. Just cut every mom some slack and be kind. 
• This includes your own. 
• When I was in high school, history was boring and dry. If that's still true, go figure out what about the past interests you and try and find out stuff about that. College can be great for that. Don't let any middle or high school class define your opinion on a subject. 
• Money is important. I hope I've taught you how to manage what you have. If you have questions, please ask me or your dad. 
• When you are somewhere in the 16-21 region, you will think you know everything. You don't, but you will know more that Dad and I are willing to give you credit for. We also know more than you are willing to give us credit for. Try and remember to be humble and present your side of things clearly and respectfully. It'll go better. 

Body Image

I have 2 small kids. I had them very close together. I was also not a tiny person before I had kids. I'm a fairly average sized American woman (slightly smaller than average). I am at my pre-pregnancy weight and size, but it wasn't a comfortable place for me to be.

I am also very strong and have a lot of muscle on my body. I have a lot more muscle tone than I did before having kids. That's not to say I don't also have a solid layer of fat, but I'm not exactly "fat".

I am the largest of my group of friends. I am also the only one with kids. I see myself in pictures with my friends and all I can think is "I'm the fat girl". I don't know if it's harder to be so much bigger than my very tiny friends (sizes like 2-6 mostly), or if it's harder to be bigger than I think I am.

In any case, struggling with body image today.

Sleep Terrorists

My kinds continue to find new ways to torture my sleep.

Two nights ago, Jeremy probably a dozen times over the 12 hours he was asleep. Throw in 2 cries from Scott and it was a long night.

Last night Jeremy only woke up once... but it was for an entire hour. He was a fussy squirmy baby in bed with me and cried bloody murder in his crib.

I'm tired.

New Day, New Challenges

Scott got a nose bleed in the middle of the night. I am sure glad that happened on a night when both parents were home.

Parenthood continues to present new challenges.

Also, oxy clean is totally wicked!

Community Musings

Parenthood does not mean giving up your old life and your old identity. However, if you are with your children, it does.

I've had the opportunity to hang out with my very wonderful and solid group of friends with and without my kids quite a bit lately. When I am with my friends without my kids, it's like nothing has changed. We have great conversations, meaningful interactions and have a lot of fun. When we all get together kids included... well, I have to parent. And that basically means I have to be a constant monitor of diapers, hunger levels, whereabouts and interests (like, don't play with that vase of decorative stuff my friend has on her floor). I really hardly interact with my friends at all. I often don't get through whole sentences and I never hear more than a couple lines of any conversation.

On the one hand, I am fortunate that I have a group of friends that will help me out with my kids, often plan events so that the kids can come, and will even occasionally babysit so that Eric and I can go do something else. On the other hand, I really wish we had family around so that I didn't feel like such a huge burden to my friends.

Kids are hard.

Speaking of how absolutely great my friends are with my kids, this morning I took the kids to a community easter egg hunt. Eric is off camping yesterday and today so I knew I needed help. I poked a few of my friends and we ended up with 5 adults and 3 kids (3rd was the daughter of a friend of mine, almost 1), 2 ~1 year olds and Scott at 2.5. The event was terriffic. We started with a pancake breakfast, then ran around and explored bouncy houses, bouncy slides and one of those bouncy obstacle courses. Scott did an easter egg hunt for 2-3 year olds and Jeremy sat in a kiddy pool and picked up eggs with the other 1 year old. Both kids were fascinated by the petting zoo animals, but neither wanted to touch them. Scott did eventually pet a bunny.

It was a really fantastic event and makes me like my town even better!

But for me, the event was all about the kids. I was running after one or the other. I had a good kid time, but not a really good friend time, even though I really really like the 4 people that came with me. They were all really great with the kids, taking turns watching whichever kid I wasn't watching, taking pictures, retrieving Scott out of the obstacle course, pushing Scott on the swing. It was really wonderful to have the support and made the event really fun, but I didn't really get to talk to anyone.

I'm also tired. Even though theoretically both kids can sleep through the night and have somewhat regularly lately, last night they got me out of bed 5 times. Scott twice and Jeremy 3 times. And not just out of bed, there were two diaper changes, a trip to get water, a trip to get milk, a story, lots of hugs and a kid eventually ending up in my bed. Talk about a lot of lost sleep. Pfft.

Little kids, they are hard.

Weened

As of today, Jeremy has weened.

Phew! Feb 1 2010 I found it I was pregnant. Since then I have been constantly pregnant or nursing (or both). That means 3 years and a week of substance and food restrictions, and sleeping in maternity and nursing clothing.

Today forward, nothing I ingest will get passed on to little developing bodies! And I can go back to sleeping in t-shirts!

I think I'm most excited about the sleeping in t-shirts.

That was a very long time.

Post 200

This is one of those "duh" posts.

Having kids changed my body. I have lost 20 lbs, all my pregnancy weight, got back to my pre-pregnancy "size"... but not my pre-pregnancy shape. Like, not even a little bit. I just tried on a dozen different things from my wardrobe and while I fit into everything, nothing looked good. Stuff is bigger or smaller than it was before and everything just looks like junk on me.

I am now kind of at a loss. I kept wanting to lose weight so I'd fit back into my clothes. Now that they fit I know I can't wear them. Now what.

I'm not convinced losing more weight is going to solve anything (though don't think that's going to stop me). I think I'm a new shape, one that will require new clothes and will be difficult to fit correctly. And I don't have time or money to shop now.

Pfft.

Body Image

I have been (mostly) seriously attempting to get in shape since Scott was about 8 months old. Of course, I had another baby in there, but I got serious again when Jeremy was 3 months old. In the last 7 months I have lost 20 lbs plus, I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant with either kid and I'm back into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I am doing extremely well! I am still working on it, but I've been very proud of my success thus far.

I saw a picture of myself yesterday (taken yesterday) and my only thought was "Wow, I look terrible". Ugh! I don't know if I will ever really feel good about myself in the moment. I can look back at periods in my past and think "Hey I looked great then!" but in the moment I rarely feel good about myself, even when I am proud of myself and working hard.

I don't know where it came from. I have a husband that is super supportive of me and my body at all weights (almost obnoxiously supportive). I was never bullied. I've only had one person ever call me fat and I was at my skinniest at the time. Ok, he only told me I had a big butt... and I kind of do.

Is it society? Will I ever get over this? I've moved past the eating disorder part of my life, and I don't have time to stress about how fat I am, and I still have excuses, but am I going to be dissatisfied with myself forever?

Pffft. Frustrating.

9 months, 3 weeks - walking

I'm calling it, Jeremy can walk. He's 9 months old.